


Pootis Not Here!

by giddytf2



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Bodily Functions, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-16 13:27:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/862532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giddytf2/pseuds/giddytf2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'It was growing in resonance, akin to an oncoming stampede of a herd of large beasts. What <i>was</i> that noise?'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pootis Not Here!

**Author's Note:**

> Blame [this Cracked article](http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-awkward-scenarios-you-only-tolerate-from-sexual-partner_p1/) for this pootastic Heavy/Medic story. (The accompanying story is [Pootis Not Here Either!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/862537))

It began with a low, muffled rumbling.

Heavy remained cocooned in the blankets, his bleary eyes half-opened as he gradually roused from slumber. No, he _hadn't_ dreamed the sound after all, and there it still was, somewhere in the bedroom he shared with his beloved Doktor who was sleeping next to him. It was growing in resonance, akin to an oncoming stampede of a herd of large beasts. What _was_ that noise?

It became louder and louder, almost vibrating with its own force.

Suddenly, it transformed into a very high-pitched, squeaky sound, like great gusts of air being squeezed through a very narrow rubber tube.

Now fully awake with curiosity, Heavy rolled onto his back and shifted the blankets down from his shoulders.

And then,  _it_ struck from nowhere, assailing his unprepared nostrils, filling his lungs with its choking, abominable redolence. He lunged upright, gasping, his eyes watering.

" _Grrrraaaagh_! Vhat is that _bad_ smell of _death_?!"

As a veteran of war, Heavy had had his share of ghastly stenches, be it of alcohol-sopped vomit, or untreated sewage or rotting blood and flesh in the midday sun. But _this_ stench was ... indescribable.

He hadn't even noticed the high-pitched, squeaky noise had stopped until it started again. Just a brief burst this time that enabled Heavy to finally pinpoint its source.

Slowly, gently, Heavy tugged the blankets down the lean, utterly relaxed body of the still sleeping Medic, down to mid-thighs. As Medic was resting on his side, facing away from Heavy, Heavy had an unobstructed view of Medic's buttocks and he gaped at them as the terrible revelation sank in.

That firm, beautiful, _heavenly_ bottom that brought him such joy ... _that_ was what had given birth to such a suffocating, unholy, _hellish_ stink?!

At that moment, Medic rolled over onto his other side, now facing Heavy. For five seconds, Medic stayed asleep.

Then, Medic's eyes popped open. His handsome face contorted into an expression of horror and disgust. 

" _Aaaaaaaccch_! Vhat is zhat _terrible smell_?!" Medic exclaimed as he jolted upright, and Heavy lost all self-control, exploding into laughter with gusto, alternating between clutching his hurting sides and waving away the stubborn stench from his face.

"Doktor ... _Doktor_ , you ... you vake up because - because of your _own smelly POOT_!"

Heavy laughed even harder when Medic turned redder than a tomato from the chest up to forehead, bit his lower lip and looked torn between wanting to smack Heavy and wanting the earth to swallow him right now.

Heavy had never seen Medic look more adorable.

"Mein gott, I am sorry," Medic mumbled quietly, sincerely, and Heavy drew his blushing lover into his embrace, his laughter dwindling down to an affectionate chuckle. "Zhis is so _embarrassing_."

"Actually, I am happy, Doktor," Heavy replied. Before Medic could move away, he tightened his hug then added, "You have pooted in front of me! And I am still here! Ve have pass important, how you say, mark in our romance."

It took Heavy a few seconds to realize the shuddering of Medic's shoulders was due to Medic laughing soundlessly. He laughed together with his Doktor, making Medic laugh aloud when he sniffed the air and resumed waving one hand violently in it.

"Zhere is one problem vith your statement, mein Kuschelbär," Medic murmured a while later, when they'd aired the blankets and settled back into bed in each others' arms, Medic's head tucked under Heavy's chin.

"Vhat problem is that, moya lyubov?"

"Zhis important milestone in our relationship is only achieved vhen _both_ of us have ... passed flatus in each others' presence."

Heavy was very glad that Medic couldn't see his face, then.

"Vhat make you think I haven't?"


End file.
